Oh, August

August has been an interesting month to say the very least. Mostly good. A little bad. A lot of exhausting, both physical and emotional.

Let’s start with the good.

It has been 100% confirmed that the promotion opportunity I’ve been waiting for since I left for my maternity leave with Kam, will officially come into play by Q4. Meaning, I will have the opportunity to prove why I’m best for the role coming next month, and hopefully be starting it by October. I’m extremely hopeful, but even more than that, I’m confident. I’m great at my job, and I am definitely a strong candidate for the position from what I’ve been advised. This project my senior manager put me on is also a great thing to have in my back pocket, since it is actually directly related. I think that’s a good sign since he likes to place people in roles to groom them. I think he might be doing that with me. Hopefully anyways.

I’ve also been working crazy long hours, which is actually a good thing. Both for my mind and my bank account. Being in the office for almost 12 hours a day does not leave much time for my mind to be consumed with much else, and currently, that’s a good thing. It also means lots and lots of overtime,  and a very nice overtime rate. This is definitely something I need after having to purchase new furniture yesterday. Thanks Lola! Technically is wasn’t really her fault, but after attempting to clean up my couch after her, and having my washer seriously fail me, I really had no other choice. My new set is amazing though and I’m extremely excited to have it delivered on Saturday. I’ve been saying I want new furniture for a while now, and I’ve been told by both my therapist and friends who’ve been through child loss, that redecorating can be very helpful in the overall healing process. Either way,  I can’t wait to take a nap on it. I also need to find a new home for one of my favorite arm chairs, since I don’t think I am going to have any space for it once the new stuff is delivered. We’ll see what happens. Anyone directly in need of furniture in Tampa let me know. I’m pretty sure it needs to go.

I’ve also been consistently going back to church, which is a very big thing for me. I absolutely didn’t lose my relationship with Christ after I lost Kam. In fact, it was the opposite. It grew and became more real. But I could not bring myself to get back into the church. It was just too much for me, and honestly I didn’t think any sermon could address the weight of what I was feeling. I’m thankful to have met someone who I now consider a friend, through my son’s service actually, and have to credit him for so much of my spiritual growth. Also getting me back into the church in general. If it wasn’t for his consistent talks and urging, and just general caring about my well-being and relationship with God, I probably wouldn’t be where I’m at in this moment. And I know he will never take credit for it, but I owe a lot of it to him. So for that I’m thankful. And for that, I hope he knows that he’s touched my life in so many great ways.

August 15th was also an incredibly important day in my life. Not only was it my own mama’s birthday, but it was also Kam’s daddy’s birthday as well. I’ve always thought that was special. That two of the people I love most in the world were born on the same day. I still think it is. They’ve both shaped my life in so many ways, and honestly without either of them, I wouldn’t have life. Without my mama I obviously wouldn’t be here today, or be half the woman that I am. She’s taught me everything I know, but mostly just how to love fiercely in everything that I do. That’s an amazing thing. And Without Kam’s dad, I would not have Kam, and essentially would not be alive as the mother and woman that I am today. He’s given me the most special, amazing, important gift that I could’ve ever received. So to him, I will always be grateful.

Now let’s get into the emotional stuff.

One of my childhood best friends lost their mother in the beginning of the month. And it was so unexpected. One day they were putting her in hospice and the next day she was just gone. I loved Kathy like a second mom, and for a huge part of my life she was just that. She was just such an amazing woman, and loved her kids like they were the last people left on earth. My heart hurts for my friend, as that was her best friend in life. I want to tell her that I know, that I understand, but I can’t. Because I don’t. Thankfully, I do still have my mama, and every loss is different. So I’ll just say over and over that I love her and her family, always.

August was also supposed to be the month that me and Kam’s dad were gonna maybe try to get pregnant again. And it was never really fully confirmed but it was talked about. It was gonna be perfect timing. It would put me at 18 months between deliveries, which is what most doctors recommend. My OB was willing to support whatever decision we made, even if I told her we wanted to get pregnant 1 month after we lost him. She’s been so amazingly supportive of me throughout all of this. Plus, if our timing worked out, it meant that we would conceive during Kam’s dad’s birthday month, and deliver the new baby in May, during mine. That seemed special to me as well. But alas, here we are, and though me and Kam’s dad are not on bad terms and even have friendly conversations from time to time, we are certainly not going to be trying to bring another life into the world. So that’s that.

But, today is the day that Yvonne gave birth to her rainbow baby boy, and for that I am so so happy. Yvonne is a good friend of mine from work, and we were actually pregnant together. She unfortunately lost her daughter Faith during the pregnancy, and that was such a difficult time. Obviously. So I’m so happy that she was able to conceive again and have the best pregnancy that she’s ever had. Faith was definitely helping out in that aspect, of that I’m sure. And today she welcomed this perfect little chunk into the world. I can’t wait to see him in person, and possibly even hold him. I haven’t held a baby since Kam, but I think he would be a good start.

Another one of my old co-workers from KC jus welcomed his rainbow baby last week as well. He lost his son to SIDS about a year before I lost Kam. So seeing them have another healthy, happy, beautiful baby makes my heart swell. I cannot wait until the day I am them. I know I will be. Maybe not soon, but someday. Whe the time is right. When God thinks I’m ready. I will be ready. One day. Just not quite today.

This month is halfway over, and for that I’m thankful. Thankful that I’ve been busy. Thankful that I’ve spent a lot more time smiling, and a lot less time crying.  And mostly thankful that I’m starting to find happy moments in the longest of days.

Oh August

I’m just thankful for the love and lessons you’ve brought to me.

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