Where the Heart Is

When I moved to Florida a little over three years ago, I had no idea what I was coming too. Literally. I just kind of picked up my entire life and allowed my job to relocate me half a country away from all the people I love most.

With that being said, I really have come to love Tampa. I’ve created so many amazing memories here, with even better people than I deserve. And more than anything, Florida is the only place that my son ever knew as home. He spent his entire life here, and rests peacefully still. Here. Under this ever burning Florida sun.

But Florida isn’t my home. Not anymore anyways. Not without him.

I literally still have my driver’s license, car tag, and insurance registered in Kansas. After 3 years.

I think I’ve always known that Florida would just never actually be home for me. Not permanently anyways.

So I’ve been thinking a lot about it lately. And what I’m still doing here. Mostly alone.

First I stayed when I realized I was pregnant with Kam, obviously wanting to raise him with his daddy, even though I hated being away from my own family.

Then when we lost him, I stayed for his Dad. I couldn’t imagine losing him too. And I wanted to hold on to the only part of my little family I had left. But then I realized that he was not my family, nor did he want to be.

So then I stayed for the potential with my job, and the new opportunities. But after finding out that I will not be promoting in any real manner, and will be doing my exact same job with a mild tile change and possible pay incease, I’m realizing that I still have nothing to stay here for. Professionally I’m past the point of being unfulfilled.  And with it looking like there still may not be any growth in my current role, I’m no longer sure what I’m waiting for.

I spend the majority of my time here physically alone, and just on the phone with my friends and family back home. Mostly wishing I was home with them, and getting to be a part of all the daily haps. And the more and more I think about it, the more I cannot find a real reason why I haven’t made my way back there.

Maybe I’ve been afraid that it would seem like I was failing at life. At being on my own. But I’m pretty sure that’s not the case. I’ve been through and survived more than most would be able to, with literally no one physically by my side. I think I’m about over that. I’m ready to be back where my heart it. Where it’s always been.

I’m not sure if I’ll be able to come back to KC with my job, but I know at the least, I’ll be able to get back to Wichita. And that’s not too far off. With a very short commute back home to Mamas.

I think I’m gonna ride out the next couple of months and see if any form of change that would make me want to stay comes. Plus I’m in a lease until the beginning of next year. But I don’t think I’ll sign another one. I think it might be getting close to the time to start clicking my heels again.

There really is no place like home.

I think maybe it’s time to start finding my way back there.

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