Not that it’s really anyone’s business, but me and my son’s father made the decision, most amicably, to no longer be together in a romantic sense.
Really I should say, he made it. I asked him too, so I’m not necessarily mad or anything like that. Sad maybe. Sad mostly. But to say this has been a long time coming would be a huge understatement. This honestly probably should’ve happened before we got pregnant with our Kammy, but thank goodness it didn’t since that would’ve meant never knowing him. And what a special little person he was to know.
I’m not going to pretend like I’m happy with the choice that me made, since really I’m not. A little relieved maybe, now that I can honestly say, out loud, that it isn’t going anywhere with him anymore. We aren’t going to be family anymore so than what we already are because of Kamren. Funny thing is, I really thought when I asked him to make the choice wether he wanted a future and family with me, that he would choose me. Even if foolishly, that’s what I wanted. What I’ve always wanted.
His reasons aren’t flawed though. That I know. So I don’t blame him. He’s more emotionally disconnected than me, so he can truly say he knows that he isn’t in a place to give me what I’m looking for, or what I’m needing emotionally. And He’s right. He can’t. He really never could. But still, I’ve always loved him. I probably always will. Even with him not choosing me, and not loving me back.
I think a big part of me isn’t actually sad about loosing him in the romantic sense, since I probably haven’t really had him that way for a very long time, if ever. Really what I’m loosing is him in a sexual way, which still honestly sucks. We may have not been great in any other aspect, but we always got that part right. But what I am mostly sad about is loosing the option of more children right now. Or full siblings for my Kam. I know that I can always give him more siblings, since any more children that I have will have him as a big brother, but it’s not the same when they won’t have the same daddy. And not to defend Kam’s daddy, but out of all the things he isn’t, he is one of the best father’s I’ve even known in general. So even if he could never really be the boyfriend or husband that maybe I deserve, he could always be the father my kids do. That’s what I’m having a hard time accepting right now.
Plus, after doing it once, I really never intend on having more children without being married first. I don’t want a happy accident next time. So knowing that, means that I know it will be years before I’m able to physically be a mother again, and thats the worst. On top of that, I just really don’t want to date or be in a relationship in general. I don’t want to worry about anyone else’s feelings or anything like that. I want to be selfish and do what I want to do, for me. But if I choose that route, then I’m just delaying more children even further. It’s a freakin nightmare.
And on top of all of this, this isn’t even something I should be having to think about at 27 years old. But I do. Because my baby died. And that fucking sucks. Even typing it sucks. It almost feels like that entire last year was just this amazing dream, and I made Kamren up in my head. The stretch marks on my stomach however, beg to differ. And I’m reminded that it wasn’t just a sweet dream, turned into a not so beautiful nightmare.
I guess now it’s time to figure out where to take my not so happily ever after from here.
Prince Charming who can deal with an emotionally fucked woman wanted.