Enough With the Small Talk

I stare at my reflection in the mirror
Why am I doing this to myself?
Losing my mind on a tiny error,
I nearly left the real me on the shelf
No, no, no, no
Don’t lose who you are, in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It’s okay not to be okay
Sometimes it’s hard, to follow your heart
Tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising,
Just be true to who you are
I’m not a big fan of small talk. I’m not a little fan of small talk. In general, I just don’t like it. At all. It becomes this 50 shades of  who are you, where you might even begin to question yourself after 37 answers are given.
And when you get to number 37, is it still really you answering these, or your so called ‘representative?‘ Is what you’re presenting to the rest of the world your true self, or is it just a pseudo person you want everyone else to see? To accept? It’s just so much. Too much. For me personally.
I like to think that when someone meets me, that I’m actually giving them as much of me as they can really handle. Because you have to remember that not everyone is going to be able to handle your truth. And more than that, not everyone needs to. I think that as long as your authentic self is not out to cause anyone any unnecessary harm or hurt feelings, then you just kind of have to own it.
And me personally, I kind of own everything about myself, and tend to express it on my face. Literally, I wear all of my emotions right there. Good or bad. Sometimes it’s probably not the best. But again, I really don’t mean anyone harm and I never want to hurt anyone’s feelings. So I’ve learned to apologize when necessary, and stand my ground for myself as needed.
The nice thing about this life and this crazy mixed up world is that you don’t actually have to know exactly who you are. Not right now. Not ever. I personally like to believe that this life is all about growth, and change, and progression. If you stop growing you die, essentially. So your authentic self is not always going to be the same. That would be your stagnant self. And who on earth would want to remain stagnant? It would be like that dreadful smell that water takes after it stands a little too long in a glass. No one, and I mean no one, likes that smell.
So for now I’ve decided to just enjoy this moment, and myself in this moment. Trust me, she changes daily. But I do actually believe those statements like Trust Your Struggle, which is what I’m attempting to do at this point. Believe me, I would rather not be a bereaved mother, who has found herself single and alone in the all too hot Florida sun. But I think this is probably exactly where I’m supposed to be in my journey. So instead of hiding from the potential sunburn, I’m going to lather up my Coppertone 45, grab a wide brimmed hat & oversized shades, and find the closes margarita stand near the shore. Because that’s who I am today. And I’m okay with that.
Plus I have the underlying suspicion that finding myself will be so entirely worth the fall when I land right where I want too.

2 thoughts on “Enough With the Small Talk

  1. A Mother

    I have taken to reading your blog and am inspired at the things that you say and at the same time can feel your lose in each word. As a mother who has faced this same obstacle i have no false words of hope creating a mirage of this full and wonderful life after baby. The loss of your son will never not make you sad, BUT you do learn to put him in a place in your heart where it doesn’t bring tears to your eyes or rage to your soul about how unfair the Lord can be. Please continue to stay strong and move forward each day. I promise that there are days and weeks full of goodness ahead and that one day you will walk past a baby item or see a pregnant woman and it will not dampen your spirit


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s