Soul’d Out

Wake up, wake up
Gotta get this paper, get this cake up
Gotta do my hair, gotta put on make-up
Gotta act like I care about this fake stuff
Straight up, What a waste of my day

Most days I sit here, baffled as to why I even come to work anymore. I honestly don’t see the point, besides the fact that there are still bills to pay. So begrudgingly, I sit at this desk and stare at these computer screens.

But shouldn’t I get a break from life for a while? Shouldn’t I have time to get back to myself, without having to worry about my credit score going down the drain or being evicted from my suddenly too empty condo? Why should I have to sit here and continue to deal with the politics of corporate America, when most days it takes everything in me to not verbally make everyone else feel for a moment, what I live through every single second. And especially the ones that just complain about their life and their extremely insignificant problems. Why would you even think it would be appropriate to come to me with your non-issues. News flash. IDGAF. Or in the words of Big Sean, IDFWU, so I don’t care. At all. Not even a little.

And as understanding as I am, and as much as I try to remember that everyone has a struggle that most people don’t know anything about, I honestly cannot understand how you think that your annoying boyfriend forgetting to take the trash out, or even sleeping with the skeez next door, can come close to us having to bury our son. I don’t care to know about your petty relationship struggles, when me and my son’s father have to navigate life after death. Forget about us even having the time to worry about what that turns the relationship between us into. Not Goodin case you’re wondering.

So then I try to remind myself that life is all about the balance. And there are a lot of things that can break your heart. A lot of things that are going to break your heart. Life itself is going to do it at least one time throughout your life, and if it’s only once, then count yourself lucky. I’m not sure that there’s any worse of a heart break than losing your child though, since I’m not sure you’re really capable of full, all encompassing, true love until you give birth to the one that love belongs too. Or watch your partner give birth to them. So that’s a heartbreak of wholly different proportions. But even then, there’s still balance to that too.

But being here at this desk today, watching more people than I can count walking around with their babies still tucked away safely in their bellies, just creates this thick sense of anger. Or bitterness. That feeling never seems to go away fully. Even on the good days when I can push it as far back as possible. And today, during one of the rougher than usual days, I just want to escape somewhere deep within my own soul. This is when I should be able to do that. But I can’t. Because I sit. Here at this desk, yet again.

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