Stained Confetti

Wake up in a new day, but it don’t feel that new
Same faces around me with the same point of view
Everything is perfect, everything’s okay
Just swallow the lies and let your emotions fade
But my heart won’t be quiet, I feel a change

I can’t describe how frustrating, and at times, infuriating it can be for people to attempt to label you and stick you in this stupid little box based on how they think that you should feel, be, live, etc. And after you’ve lost the most important thing in life to you, whether that be a person, or something else entirely, it can start to become borderline offensive.

Don’t get me wrong, most people mean well. Or at least I can say that in my own personal situation. People really do seem to have the best of intentions, but most times, intentions just don’t translate. Not well anyways. And especially comparisons about how maybe you’ve handled a situation that you feel may be similar. One, because I don’t care how you handled you, since I’m me. Two, because to make it perfectly clear again and again, if you haven’t lost your child, there is no situation similar. Not one. At all. Anywhere.

And I don’t want nor am I looking for special treatment of any kind, in any part of my life. That’s not what this is about.

I just want to be given the time, space, and available energy to breathe. And to not be questioned as to why I still need to breathe. I don’t want advice on to what you think I should be doing with myself and my life. You can’t give me that. Unless of course, you’re one of the amazing women that I’ve been lucky enough to connect with through all of this. If you’re her, then your advice and opinion is always welcome, even if I don’t take it. It’s nice to know the different options available to navigate this life.

What I do want and need, is to be given the time and space to figure out where I want to take my life, from here. Because even though I may be 27 and 5 years into my career, my life is literally starting over again. Ground zero. I’m there. Maybe it’s not where I dreamed I’d be at year 5, but I’m proud of the fact that I can get my feet to touch the ground each morning to get back to here.

What I don’t want, is to be questioned as to why I don’t want to go out on Saturday night, or get wastey faced anymore. That was fun for me about 2 years ago. Not now. And just like I don’t judge you for still needing to do that well into your 30’s, I don’t need you to judge the fact that I don’t want to do that at 27. That’s not what I want for my life. I don’t get enjoyment out of that. And not for nothing, but I should be at home with a four month old on a Saturday night. Playing peek-a-boo, and sipping on mommy juice, aka, my 6th cup of coffee for the day.

But mostly, what I really want is to stop being asked how one day I can seem so ‘normal,’ as if that’s actually a thing, and how other days I’m just eternally sad. Get over it. And not for me, get over it for you. This is how I am. This is who I am. This is me. And some days are just better than others. Some days are even, dare I say, good. So let me have my good days, and don’t question that. And give me back my bad ones. It has nothing to do with you. I’m not taking anything out on you personally. I promise. I’m just doing what feels right for me.

I’m the one that got this life. I won’t even say stuck with it, because that just sounds too negative for me. But, I’m the one with a life that I never would have chosen for myself. This life that was chosen for me, not by me. So I’m going to do the only thing I know how to do, and trust in the one that knows that I can actually handle this life. The one that gave this life to me. And trust that he knows that I will do more than survive this life. I will thrive within it. Just give me the chance to figure out how, and I’ll show you. I promise. I won’t let you down.

Wake up to a new voice telling me where to go
It sounds like I got no choice but to keep on this road
Got my own opinion, my own words to say
Got my own visions, so I know I can’t stay
There’s no looking back now, I feel a change

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