I see you.
Baited breath, praying for the next to come easier than the last.
I see you.
Simultaneously hoping no one can see your mother heart, all the while begging for absolutely anyone to just recognize it.
I hear you.
Your silent anguish that lives right beneath your surface, threatening to rip it’s way out of you with every second that passes by.
I recognize the familiarity of the hollow in your eyes, and the emptiness of your arms. I understand, more fully than you know, the self hatred that your harbor undeservingly.
I see you, you childless Mother on Mother’s Day.
But did you know that this day is still yours too? That it always will be?
I’m not saying that the day will be easy, and in fact it will probably never be. But it will still be, because you still are.
You are still a Mother. Today, tomorrow, and every other day your eyes open to meet the sunlight.
So I hope in a rare moment of peaceful clarity, you are able to see that this day could actually be worse.
Instead of you having to temper the moments without your child, it could have been the other way around.
Your negotiations and bargaining with both God and the Devil could have come to pass, and you would’ve taken your last breath instead of your son. Then what? What would today be for him?
He would be a motherless child on Mother’s Day. And your heart breaks for the umpteenth time just imagining for a moment the sadness that he would feel. The pain he would have to endure on this day, and countless others.
That’s not what you were bargaining for. Your negotiations only there to stop any possible pain, not project it.
And so your mother heart beats proudly in this moment. In this clarity. Because you will gladly accept the anxiety fueled tightness in your chest, knowing that he will never have to.
From my bleeding heart to yours, I see you beautiful Mama.
For Kamren; Thank you, for making me your Mother. Thank you for giving me a lifetime of love in 284 days. You’ve changed me in the best, and most needed ways possible. You saved me, when I couldn’t save you. I promise to carry you with me until my heart stops beating, or longer. You will forever be mine, and I will always be yours. You are my forever.