Sirens

The rain in Wichita has started to fall, and the skies have darkened just enough to become eerie. It’s officially tornado season, and the weather outside combined with the warm, muggy air is absolute confirmation of that.

According to both the local and not so local news, this evening is supposed to be interesting. And by interesting I mean bad. Dollar sized hail and multiple tornadoes are expected to touch down, so much so that a lot of businesses throughout the city seem to be shutting down. My office was included in this, so I’m home in my pj’s watching the doppler on the tv grow more red by the minute.

Maybe I’ve just been jaded from growing up in the midwest, or maybe I’m just truly at a place of peace with my life, but either way,  I don’t think I would describe any of my current emotions as fear or anxiety. I actually still have tentative dinner plans for tonight, as long as there isn’t any hail and the rain hasn’t gotten too crazy.

Even when I left work, I went to finish running errands and grab coffee. I also had every intention of grabbing a quick manicure with my few extra hours, but unfortunately the shop I go to was closed. They’re probably prepping for the storm I suppose.

Really everything about my day, including my 5am workout, has been pretty darn good for me.

That is, up until the point that I went and checked my mail. I did get a couple of highly anticipated packages, so on that side of things, still fabulous. But, I also got a really quick gut check when I pulled all of the envelopes out, and buried in between them was a Target offer for discounted and free baby gear.

Ugh.

That’s what’s so crazy about child loss and living through this eternally raging storm. You never really know when it’s going to hit you, or what’s going to trigger it. And there isn’t a doppler or a news channel you can tune into to help track it. It just sort of slaps you in the face and reminds you ever so quickly, that everything in your day, is not coming up you.

Target baby offers and coupons used to make my entire day when I found them in my mailbox or inbox. Now they just make me want to reconsider life. I thought I was getting past that since baby aisles are no longer the enemy, but I guess I haven’t gotten any of these little reminders lately either. And honestly, those aisles have just shifted from the infant ones to the toddler ones since Kamren would be 16 months old right now. I suppose that’s how these shifts will continue to move. Hopefully the pressure on them will ease eventually. I imagine so, since it has with almost all of the other moving parts.

I guess either way it really doesn’t make too much of a difference. Whether it’s this tornado tonight or the constant hurricane brewing at my core, all I can really do is bunker down, prep for the worst, and hope without failing for the absolute best.

 

2 thoughts on “Sirens

  1. Jenna Brandt Author (@JennaDBrandt)

    Touching blog entry. I get how you feel, it seems like there is always something brewing right below the surface. I lost my infant son, Dylan just over two years ago. I miss him every day and never know what’s going to trigger a meltdown. I find your blog raw & truthful so I decided to share it on my own http://jennabrandt.blogspot.com/ Thank you for sharing what you are going through. We have to advocate for the memories of our babies. Hugs!

    Like

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