Balance

Find table space to say your social graces
Bow your heads, they’re pious here, but you and I, we’re pioneers
We make our own rules, our own room, no bias here
Let ’em sell what they are sellin’, there are no buyers here

So gather all the rebels now, we’ll rabble-rouse and sing aloud
We don’t care what they say no way, no way
And we will leave the empty chairs to those who say we can’t sit there
We’re fine all by ourselves

So aye, we brought our drum and this is how we dance
No mistakin’, we make our breaks, if you don’t like our 808s
Then leave us alone, cause we don’t need your policies
We have no apologies for being…

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about balance, and the lack of it in today’s world.

No, I’m not talking about balancing on an olympic sized beam in Brazil this summer, but about having a real and actual balance to our everyday lives.

Case in point, I worked 6 days this week, the majority of those days over 10 hours. I didn’t go to the gym once this week, nor did I actually take the time to cook a real meal. Poor Lola was basically alone, although she just spends most days in bed so I don’t think she was too put off by this.

But I definitely was.

Why do we do this to ourselves? I know for a fact that I’m not the only person out there doing this.

I will admit that it used to be a great way to keep myself busy and distracted so I had no time to dwell, but that’s not been the case for a while now. Yet and still, I’m going through the same process daily. I’ve become accustomed to it.

And society today glamorizes this. But why? Why is it “cool” to substitute real food and live off a black coffee/latte diet? I’m super guilty of this, but there’s nothing positive about it. My body doesn’t feel good. I’m tired and damn near lifeless. Yet, there is a new meme about coffee being an actual food group everyday.

We see the same ones proclaiming how “awesome” it is to be entirely exhausted everyday, to the point that we no longer wash our hair and short cut with dry shampoo. Sidenote: I do actually love dry shampoo but that’s because I know it’s not good for hair to wash it everyday. That and the fact that I just have really long, thick hair that takes at least an hour to blow-dry, so I try to make that last as long as possible.

But still, the idea behind this shouldn’t be glamorized.

I remember when I was pregnant with Kam, I couldn’t wait to get off work everyday to go take a nap and then hit hot yoga. Those moments were phenomenal. They gave me peace. I was taking care of myself and finding balance, not only for me, but for my son and our family.

And when I was thinking about coming home from work and picking him up for the first time in eight hours, I knew that I would never stay there a moment more than I absolutely had to.  I suppose that mentality died when he did, but I want it back. I need it back.

I want to be able to sleep in two days a week, well, for as long as Lola will possibly let me. And I want to have enough energy to get into the gym almost daily again. Not for a superficial reason, but to get back that feeling of being strong.

Yes, I  do still aboslutely want to enjoy my coffee in bed first thing in the morning, but maybe some real food too before I run out the door. I want that balance. I’m determined to find that balance again.

And more than anything, I don’t want to be made to feel guilty about it. I won’t be made feel guilty about it.

I lose my balance on these eggshells
you tell me to tread
I’d rather be a wild one instead
Don’t wanna hang around the in crowd,
the cool kids aren’t cool to me,
they’re not cooler than we are

We will carve our place into time and space
We will find our way, or we’ll make a way, say hey, hey
Hey find your grace, don’t you hide your face
And let it shine, shine, shine

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