Sometimes, in the early morning moments before the sun completely invades my room through the creases in my drapes, I find myself soaking in freshness of the new day, buried between my cotton duvet and mink comforter. The new possibilities, spurred from yesterday’s completed war.
And sometimes in the midst of these moments, I let my gratitude wash over me, blinking into the sunlight, while I remind myself that I’m one of the lucky ones.
How on earth could that be possible after I was forced to give my Kamren back to the universe about 95 years too soon?
I know, right.
But stay with me for a moment. I promise it get’s better.
I remember about 4 months after laying Kam to rest in that baby garden under the Florida sun, I made a promise to myself and to him, that I would stop saying ‘no.’
‘No’ to opportunities that potentially held some form of joy for me. ‘No’ to moments that might bring me peace and further heal my broken down spirit. ‘No’ to the love that I deserved and needed, but didn’t know how to accept.
And so I have.
I’ve stopped saying no.
And where the ‘no’ once was so firmly planted, is a resounding ‘yes!‘ And sometimes not a full on yes, but a possibly, which is a thousand times better than the no that once held that place marker in my life.
Lucky is an understatement for how I feel about that freedom I’ve gained over the past year and a half. And the crazy part of it is that I’ve always had the freedom, but I spent the first almost 25 years of my life locking myself behind the bars of what others expected from me. Or anticipated me to be. So I spent such a big part of my life saying no, for fear of what others would think if I stepped out on faith and said yes.
Grateful is how my heart feels when I see how much love has flowed into my life since I’ve adopted this practice.
And strong is what I know I’ve become simply by saying yes to my own truth.
Would I give it all back in exchange for Kam?
Well of course I would.
Would I be as happy if that opportunity arose?
I would be. It would just be a very different form of happiness that included a little boy with chubby little fingers toddling behind me.
But I will say that if I could in fact do this, I would still hope to find the person I am now. The person I’ve become in these moments and this life.
I would still want to know the me now, after him. After the loss of him. Because she is so much better than who held the place marker of before him.
Sometimes I wish I would’ve became the ‘new’ me before things with Kam’s dad ended. Maybe it would’ve helped. Maybe she could have loved him the way he needed to be loved, instead of her being angry that he couldn’t love her the way she needed to be loved. Maybe she would have recognized the truth behind him losing as much as her in the loss of Kam, instead of treating him like he couldn’t understand. Who really knows though, because maybe the him now, is not the he that was in those early months.
Either way, the him or he, whoever that person may be in this moment, is still very much loved by Me. Both past and present versions.
So yes, today as I am soaking in the sunlight that is surrounding the all-glass lounge I’m in waiting for my connecting flight to Beijing, I am reminded that I am in fact, one of the lucky ones.
And no one can ever take that fight & fire that forever lives in the core of my soul.
Live as though everything is rigged in your favor.