The rain in Wichita has started to fall, and the skies have darkened just enough to become eerie. It’s officially tornado season, and the weather outside combined with the warm, muggy air is absolute confirmation of that.

According to both the local and not so local news, this evening is supposed to be interesting. And by interesting I mean bad. Dollar sized hail and multiple tornadoes are expected to touch down, so much so that a lot of businesses throughout the city seem to be shutting down. My office was included in this, so I’m home in my pj’s watching the doppler on the tv grow more red by the minute.

Maybe I’ve just been jaded from growing up in the midwest, or maybe I’m just truly at a place of peace with my life, but either way,  I don’t think I would describe any of my current emotions as fear or anxiety. I actually still have tentative dinner plans for tonight, as long as there isn’t any hail and the rain hasn’t gotten too crazy.

Even when I left work, I went to finish running errands and grab coffee. I also had every intention of grabbing a quick manicure with my few extra hours, but unfortunately the shop I go to was closed. They’re probably prepping for the storm I suppose.

Really everything about my day, including my 5am workout, has been pretty darn good for me.

That is, up until the point that I went and checked my mail. I did get a couple of highly anticipated packages, so on that side of things, still fabulous. But, I also got a really quick gut check when I pulled all of the envelopes out, and buried in between them was a Target offer for discounted and free baby gear.

Ugh.

That’s what’s so crazy about child loss and living through this eternally raging storm. You never really know when it’s going to hit you, or what’s going to trigger it. And there isn’t a doppler or a news channel you can tune into to help track it. It just sort of slaps you in the face and reminds you ever so quickly, that everything in your day, is not coming up you.

Target baby offers and coupons used to make my entire day when I found them in my mailbox or inbox. Now they just make me want to reconsider life. I thought I was getting past that since baby aisles are no longer the enemy, but I guess I haven’t gotten any of these little reminders lately either. And honestly, those aisles have just shifted from the infant ones to the toddler ones since Kamren would be 16 months old right now. I suppose that’s how these shifts will continue to move. Hopefully the pressure on them will ease eventually. I imagine so, since it has with almost all of the other moving parts.

I guess either way it really doesn’t make too much of a difference. Whether it’s this tornado tonight or the constant hurricane brewing at my core, all I can really do is bunker down, prep for the worst, and hope without failing for the absolute best.

 

Have you ever had that moment where out of nowhere you feel this looming sense of impending doom? Where a thick cloud of dirty gray smoke just hovers over your being, and begins to suffocate you to your very core?

Yeah, me either.

They’ve started the over advertisement of Mother’s Day everywhere, and no matter what I do, I cannot escape it. It’s on my television when all I’m trying to do is watch people compete against each other in a kitchen setting on the Food Network. It’s in every store I go too, no matter if I’m just picking up more coffee or grabbing windshield washer fluid for my car. It has become inescapable.

I hate that I feel this way, this doom.

In my mind, I know I’ll survive it just like I did last year. And just like I have with every other holiday that’s came and went since Kamren had to leave. But man, when I think about May 8th and it being less than a month away, I feel like I’ve got a cellophane bag zip tied around my head, keeping fresh oxygen from reaching my brain. I find myself with the internal whispers saying, breathe mama, just keep breathing.

I’d like to put a disclaimer out about what I’m going to say next, so brace yourself for the less than politically correct.

I’ve also found myself getting irrevocably jealous lately, rationally or not, when someone else that I know announces a new pregnancy or posts pictures of their new child. I’m jealous every time they get past the 16 day mark, and I could put my fist through a wall when I see another 1st birthday party come to life. It’s not that I want their child to die, because I absolutely don’t. It’s just that I’m still so jealous that mine did.

And when these moments hit, I find myself back in the ugliest parts of grief. I hate these moments, but when they’re here, they’re here. And they take their pretty little time finding the nearest exit.

I’m sure to at least one person I sound like an asshole, and whatever other word one would use as an adjective. I’m okay with that.

Along with the jealousy and doom, I’ll own that.

Find table space to say your social graces
Bow your heads, they’re pious here, but you and I, we’re pioneers
We make our own rules, our own room, no bias here
Let ’em sell what they are sellin’, there are no buyers here

So gather all the rebels now, we’ll rabble-rouse and sing aloud
We don’t care what they say no way, no way
And we will leave the empty chairs to those who say we can’t sit there
We’re fine all by ourselves

So aye, we brought our drum and this is how we dance
No mistakin’, we make our breaks, if you don’t like our 808s
Then leave us alone, cause we don’t need your policies
We have no apologies for being…

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about balance, and the lack of it in today’s world.

No, I’m not talking about balancing on an olympic sized beam in Brazil this summer, but about having a real and actual balance to our everyday lives.

Case in point, I worked 6 days this week, the majority of those days over 10 hours. I didn’t go to the gym once this week, nor did I actually take the time to cook a real meal. Poor Lola was basically alone, although she just spends most days in bed so I don’t think she was too put off by this.

But I definitely was.

Why do we do this to ourselves? I know for a fact that I’m not the only person out there doing this.

I will admit that it used to be a great way to keep myself busy and distracted so I had no time to dwell, but that’s not been the case for a while now. Yet and still, I’m going through the same process daily. I’ve become accustomed to it.

And society today glamorizes this. But why? Why is it “cool” to substitute real food and live off a black coffee/latte diet? I’m super guilty of this, but there’s nothing positive about it. My body doesn’t feel good. I’m tired and damn near lifeless. Yet, there is a new meme about coffee being an actual food group everyday.

We see the same ones proclaiming how “awesome” it is to be entirely exhausted everyday, to the point that we no longer wash our hair and short cut with dry shampoo. Sidenote: I do actually love dry shampoo but that’s because I know it’s not good for hair to wash it everyday. That and the fact that I just have really long, thick hair that takes at least an hour to blow-dry, so I try to make that last as long as possible.

But still, the idea behind this shouldn’t be glamorized.

I remember when I was pregnant with Kam, I couldn’t wait to get off work everyday to go take a nap and then hit hot yoga. Those moments were phenomenal. They gave me peace. I was taking care of myself and finding balance, not only for me, but for my son and our family.

And when I was thinking about coming home from work and picking him up for the first time in eight hours, I knew that I would never stay there a moment more than I absolutely had to.  I suppose that mentality died when he did, but I want it back. I need it back.

I want to be able to sleep in two days a week, well, for as long as Lola will possibly let me. And I want to have enough energy to get into the gym almost daily again. Not for a superficial reason, but to get back that feeling of being strong.

Yes, I  do still aboslutely want to enjoy my coffee in bed first thing in the morning, but maybe some real food too before I run out the door. I want that balance. I’m determined to find that balance again.

And more than anything, I don’t want to be made to feel guilty about it. I won’t be made feel guilty about it.

I lose my balance on these eggshells
you tell me to tread
I’d rather be a wild one instead
Don’t wanna hang around the in crowd,
the cool kids aren’t cool to me,
they’re not cooler than we are

We will carve our place into time and space
We will find our way, or we’ll make a way, say hey, hey
Hey find your grace, don’t you hide your face
And let it shine, shine, shine