Like You Prayed I’d be

Every day at noon like a chapel bell, find her Jesus keep her well
Help her do more right than wrong at the end of the day
I got 5 good years and a tank of gas, fifty watts and Johnny Cash
A guitar and a broken heart just full of things to say
You taught me how to stand those tests and trials
But you can’t see a desert sunrise in the bible

If I’d have done what you and daddy done, I would have never lost and never won
Or gotten myself kicked when I was down
I would not know how to travel well, A hundred bucks and cheap motels
I would not know how to fight for my own heart next time around

Now don’t you cry another night about me
In this city I’ve got angels all around me

She loves me more that anything
And she wants the world for me
Hey Mama I’m OK out here
I’ve seen how hard the world can be
My step is sure and I know my name, And I’m strong just like you prayed I’d be.

I felt it every time you prayed for me
I’m strong just like you prayed I’d be

So, it’s been a while since I’ve written on here. Not really a while since I’ve written in general, but definitely on here.

I could give you a multitude of reasons why, since the laundry list that has encompassed my life over the last month has been seriously mounting. But I won’t. I’ll just fill your ever inquiring minds with the latest updates now.

Here goes.

I am officially living back in Kansas (woot, woot!) and it is seriously the happiest I’ve been since the evening of January 7th.

My house is finally coming together, and I couldn’t be more pleased. I am literally unpacking my guest room as I type this. My new guest bed will be delivered on Saturday morning, so I can no longer keep shutting that door and pretending like the mess behind it doesn’t exist.

God, that’s such a good way to describe how my life in Florida was going this summer.  The messy shoved behind a slammed door, hidden away by a perfectly organized demeanor. Luckily, I can say that this phase is officially coming to an end, in all senses.

Work has been crazy hectic, and I spend more time there than anywhere else at this point. I also love it. The chaotic, confusing, messy world of training. It’s just such a good energy for me and my life right now. I feed off it. But I will say, running around all day, for 9+ hours, definitely leaves me exhausted at the end of the day. Both physically, mentally, and emotionally. That’s been a bit of an adjustment, but again, one I’ve been more than happy to make.

All the long hours have also been good for my pockets, which are more than hurting after picking up my life and moving it halfway across the country in a week’s time. It will probably take me another month or two to recover financially and rebuild my savings, but no matter what happens, I know I’ll be okay.

Somehow I always am.

Lola also seems to love everything about Kansas thus far. I’m pretty sure she’s soaking up all this amazing fall weather with me. I have a sinking suspicion that she will not be so pleased once winter comes and the snow begins falling. I’m literally gonna have to buy her a sweater since she’s so short haired. She’s probably gonna hate me. I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.

Luckily, or maybe unluckily, I haven’t had to have the conversation too many times about my son with my new coworkers. I got lucky in the fact that I knew some of my current peers previously from the Kansas City office, and they were already up to date on everything. That made the transition easier.

Ironically my son has come up multiple times this week, specifically when helping to comfort two of my new hire reps that are dealing with similar situations. One miscarried her third child late last week, and the other lost his 4 year old nephew to a congenital heart defect on Sunday. Being able to really be the authentic and forever grieving mama that I am, was probably one of the biggest contributions I’ve been able to bring to my new office thus far. I’ve literally been the “expert” in more than just my standard work obligations. That feels good. That helps me. Probably more than it honestly helped them. But it let’s me know that doing this, making this move, picking up my life yet again, was not a mistake.

I still don’t know what the rest of my life will hold, or who will eventually be a part of it. But somehow, in the middle of all of the chaos of the past year, I think I’ve managed to find myself exactly where I’m supposed to be. Exactly where my Kamren would want me.

And as a mom, that’s all I really want. To be where my son needs me to be to continue to spread his legacy.

It’s so much bigger and greater than mine could’ve ever been alone.

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