Stitches

October.

This has always been one of my most favorite months of the year. The summer air fades, and the beginning of the fall crispness shows up. The leaves turn all shades of red, orange, and yellow, becoming a little crunchy under your feet.

Let’s also not forget about the fact that October also ushers in the most favorite season of all my basic white girls out there; Pumpkin Spice everything!

But, October this year has brought on an entirely different meaning for me.

It is the official month of pregnancy, stillbirth, and infant loss awareness. 1 in 4 women will experience one of these harrowing events. 1 in 4 will become a statistic. They will have to say goodbye entirely too soon, and somehow find a way to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

1 in 4 will become me.

I AM 1 in 4.

I am now, and forever will be, a statistic. Of the worst possible kind. I wish I could be a statistic of any other kind.

But I can’t.

Because I am already 1 in 4.

With that being said, I am 1 in 4 that will spend this month speaking my son’s name. Even more than usual. To the point of annoyance probably.

But guess what? I do not give a damn. Not one single, solitary damn.

Because I am 1 in 4.

My son, is 1 in 4.

Kamren Grey is 1 in 4.

So this month, if you know someone who is also 1 in 4, just hug them a little bit tighter. Love them a little bit harder. Speak their child’s name a little bit louder. A little more frequently. I promise they’ll squeeze back just as hard mid-hug.

And through the tears that will build in their eyes and fall down their cheeks, there will also be a smile. Of love. And gratitude. For you. For remembering that they are 1 in 4. For acknowledging that their child’s life, no matter how brief, was very real. And exceptionally important. Even more important than those PSL’s that will be around until Christmas.

A child that loses a parent, is called an orphan. A spouse that loses their partner, is a widow. There is not a name for a parent that loses a child. That’s how awful it is. 

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