Things I’ve learned in the past week

1) Summer colds are the absolute worst. Seriously, horrible.

2) I’m not a big fan of medicine that’s not absolutely necessary, therefore I don’t typically take any and just let my body ride it out. I’m rarely ever sick and when I do get sick it seems to go away pretty quickly. This time I caved, probably due to jet lag and just general sadness, took nighttime cold medicine, and am now the proud owner of another Kate Spade handbag. I will not be taking anymore tonight, because there’s no telling what order confirmation I’ll see when I check my email tomorrow morning.

3) Coming home from vacation is a lot harder than leaving for one, and the weight of my son’s absence seemed absolutely unbearable once I was back home.

4) I really only miss my son’s father on the days when the internal ache for my Kam won’t subside. Obviously the correlation between the two is not a coincidence, but it does help me realize that I no longer miss him as a person. This is a good sign I think, since he’s not the person I fell in love with two and a half years ago.

5) The Shark Steam & Mop has significantly changed my life. Especially with Florida summers, constant rain, and a dog who insists on finding every single puddle of water possible.

6) There are absolutely no ‘at leasts‘ in child loss. This was hard for me to understand for a while. I’d see people who had their rainbow babies, or older siblings, and think, well at least you have your other children. It doesn’t matter. There’s not a difference, nor do the other kids make it easier. They’ve still lost their child. And it sucks.

7) I should apologize to Kam’s dad for thinking he had it easier since he still had Kam’s older brother. I’ll do that later I’m sure.

8) I feel a thousand times better after being back in the gym. Two weeks out is entirely too long and my body definitely felt the effects.

9) The little things, the little moments that you experience with someone – they aren’t little. Remember that.

10) Antidepressants are absolutely necessary and probably something I’ll need for the rest of my life. That doesn’t make me feel bad, or feel like a failure. They help. I need them. I’m not ashamed of that.

Seven months.

Seven months ago I met the love of my life for the very first time. Physically that is. We had a long standing relationship for 38 weeks and two days prior to that. Ironically, I’ve been living this day for longer than the standard 24 hours too, since I started it 14 hours earlier in Australia.

On my first flight here I watched, perched comfortably in my first class seat as everyone shuffled to the back of the plane. Two babies. Around the age my Kam would have been, being worn by their exhausted mothers, who ironically looked at me like I was the lucky one. Little do they know, I would have given up my seat to them in a second. I would’ve given anything if it meant that I could be wearing my Kam and settling in for 15 hours in an all too small coach seat.

Even now, while I’m waiting in the United Red Carpet Lounge for my final flight home to Tampa, catching up on all the celebrity gossip via TMZ Live, I wish I was sitting in the family room on the other side of this TV lounge. I wish I still had a reason too. I hope that sometime in the next few years I will again.

Hope. That’s what I have now. In place of my 7 month old, and in addition to my anti-deppressants. Hope is good though. It keeps me pushing towards the next day.

Hope is also what I’m relying on right now.

Hope that they’ll stop delaying my final flight so I can get home to my bed and my Lola.

So is life.

Especially mine.

I managed to find myself waking up over Australia this morning. Literally, 36,000 feet in the air, and waking up to a seriously magnificent sunrise. The colors seemed brighter that high up. The orange a little deeper, and the pink more of a bright burgundy. I wish I would’ve gotten a picture of it, but I found myself so lost in the moment mentally soaking it in. That’s the thing about experiences like  that. It seems infinitely better to really experience them, instead of simply trying to document the moment.

I will say that if you are ever going to take an extremely long, in my case 15 hour flight, I highly suggest investing in a first class experience. It really makes all the difference. I literally got a good 9+ hours of sleep, plus more food than I could actually keep up with. I also flew overnight, so by the time I landed at 7am Australian time, I was ready for the day. What is this whole jet lag thing that people speak of? It is now almost 5pm, and I’m just starting to get tired. Mind you, thats after a couple of hours of wandering around the city, soaking in the raw beauty of this place. And it is seriously beautiful.

I’m also a huge fan of the fact that there is literally an espresso bar every 50 feet around here. And the one that I stopped in put Starbucks to shame. Although there was a Starbucks two blocks up. These people are serious about their caffeine fix. I respect that.

I’ve yet to see any kangaroos, I know, disappointing. But, I’ve also only been in the city center area around the Marriott where I’m staying. I do plan on going to a Koala sanctuary in the next day or so. Apparently I can hold one, and in my case, snuggle one. I’m so incredibly excited about that. Who doesn’t want to snuggle a koala bear?

I also found it to be quite ironic that the license plates for Brisbane have it listed as the ‘sunshine state.’ Seeing as I live in Florida, it just seemed comical to me. I left the sunshine state, only to come to another one a million miles away. It is sunny here though. Not more than Tampa, but still. It’s also winter here! I’m legitimately wearing my Ugg boots as I type this. How’s that for ironic? Wearing my Ugg boots while wandering around Australia? I wonder if all of the natives absolutely know I’m a tourist? I’m quite certain that they do. I mean, really, do Australians even wear Ugg boots? I sometimes think it’s a pretentious American thing. Either way, I love all of my Uggs. For both comfort and style reasons.

I’ve also fallen in love with everyone I’ve spoken to, both male and female. These damn accents are just everything! Everyone sounds so incredibly pleasant. I seriously cannot take it. I can’t even imagine any of them sounding angry. I’m not sure it’s possible with an accent like that. Even the boring safety information given on my flight from Melbourne to Brisbane sounded incredible! I for sure wish my voice sounded like that. Maybe they’ll think the same of me when I speak. Probably not. They’re probably thinking, damn American. Ha!

I just want to soak in every amazing detail from this trip, since it is definitely a bucket list vacation for me. Hopefully I see some kangaroos or maybe a platypus soon. I’ll be sure to capture that moment when it happens. That’s probably something worth documenting.

I find it odd, and almost comical that people seem to have this expectation that I am going to have negative things to say about my son’s father. Almost.

Because I’m not. I never have, and even more than that, I never will.

It’s not about me feeling this need to defend him, because he’s a very grown man that can absolutely do that by and for himself. But it really boils down to the fact that I just don’t have too many negative things to say about him. And the less than desirable feelings that I do have in relation to him, stem from the disappointment created out of my own expectations. Never expectations that he gave me himself.

He’s always been very upfront about who he was, and definitely about who he wasn’t. I saw both of those sides very clearly. And yet and still, I made the choice to love him. I didn’t ‘fall’ in love with him. I didn’t trip over something magical, bump my head, and come out of a fog with the image of this knight in shining armor. But what I did do, is see a good man, that did little things like bring me a gallon of OJ when I called him sick, or made sure that my ever mounting pile of laundry was washed, dried, and hung in the appropriate place in my closet.

And now, past those little daily things, I love him even more for being the father to my Kamren Grey. Because no matter how much the people around me may not like him, without him, there is no Kamren. And let’s just be honest for a minute, Kam is the spitting image of his daddy. So to see a picture of my boy and not see his dad is all but impossible anyways. And seeing his father is now one of the only ways left for me to see a living, breathing, version of my son. And as a mother in my position, you take every little moment that you can get.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve certainly had more frustrations with this man than I’d like to count. Or that I even can count. I definitely don’t have enough fingers or toes to cover it at this point. But those are my frustrations. And they truly only get voiced completely to one other person. And even she knows where to stop when giving her advice/opinion on the whole shebang. So when anyone else comments on him, friend or otherwise, it just creates a very negative energy for me with said person. Especially lately.

I don’t think it matters so much that we weren’t successful in a romantic relationship, because no matter what happens or doesn’t, we created a family together. It may not have been intentional, and it may not have been under ideal circumstances, but it was and will always be perfect for who we were and are as human beings. I can absolutely attribute him to a major increase in my own self-awareness, and becoming the love I want to see in another person. So really, if you know me or are close to me now, the Melissa post war, and you like or even love me, then really you have him to thank.

Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

It’s the wanting you, never getting you
Keeps me wanting you, missing you
Just to picture you is what gets me through
Fit for you, I was meant for you
What I was sent to do, meant to do
Wasn’t meant for you
Hope I said that shit right

Cos’ if I never had you
Then I could never lose you
Do you know what might happen,
If I decide to choose you

Then the world may just stop spinning
It may just well be the ending
Talking all about existence
Who knows
But I cannot see tomorrow
If you’re not in my tomorrow

I was able to really vent the other night, for the first time in a long time. To someone completely impartial. He didn’t give me any suggestions, or tell me what my inner circle will. He just listened. Like really listened. And for the first time in a really long time I felt like I was really heard. Like he really, really heard me. He heard my hurt. He saw the pain written across my face when I looked up in time to see my son’s father being completely un-bothered, ironically, as he laughed with a few other guys in the gym, two of which have been pretty consistent in my text messages and effort to see me since finding out about my single status.

He didn’t try to give me any advice, and even made the comment that he just hasn’t known what to say to me since I lost my son. I appreciated that. The fact that he didn’t try to pretend like he knew, or compare it to a loss of his. And he let me just feel my own sadness, up until the point where I think I said, “my life just kind of sucks right now.” This is the point where  he actually corrected me. And I appreciated that. Because he was right, and I was faced with the truth that my life doesn’t suck. Losing my son sucks. And having his father decide to leave sucks too. But outside of that, my life is still actually good.

Work is steadily improving and I’m being given more & more opportunities, just in time for my department reorganization that will lead to multiple promotion options. That’s been such a blessing, and I’m actually happy to be waking up and going to work again. I’m going to Australia next week for a much needed getaway, just to clear my mind and find some peace. I’ve always wanted to go there. Since the 3rd grade when I had to be Australia for our class World Day. Ironically I would have never gotten this opportunity if it hadn’t been for my son. Another blessing that he’s given to remind me of his everlasting presence in my life. Even financially, things are really starting to come together more than they ever have. I just got a raise today at work, I’ve been steadily paying off all of my debt, and my savings is consistently growing without my need to take money back out. So just in general, life in a holistic sense is getting better.

It’s so weird to say that, and to know it’s true. Tomorrow will make 6 months since my son’s been gone, and I would have never imagined that 6 months down the road I’d be feeling okay. No great, but better. And better is truly an accomplishment, especially from where I’ve been.

And not that it makes too much of a difference but I’ve also been hanging out with someone new, who just makes me laugh. And it’s those good laughs, that come from the gut and escape your lips even when you’re not meaning for it to happen. I will say that it’s nice to really feel appreciated again, even if it’s just little things. And knowing that someone really cares if I made it home safely or am having a good day. And makes it clear that they want to see me and spend time with me. Someone who matches the most ridiculous memes sent and distracts me from the mundane activities of my every day life.

I guess what I’m getting at, is it’s nice to be around someone who isn’t so ‘unbothered’ about everything. These are the people that I want to spend my time around. This is the energy that I want to soak in and reflect back out into the world. This is where my rebuilding begins.