I find it odd, and almost comical that people seem to have this expectation that I am going to have negative things to say about my son’s father. Almost.
Because I’m not. I never have, and even more than that, I never will.
It’s not about me feeling this need to defend him, because he’s a very grown man that can absolutely do that by and for himself. But it really boils down to the fact that I just don’t have too many negative things to say about him. And the less than desirable feelings that I do have in relation to him, stem from the disappointment created out of my own expectations. Never expectations that he gave me himself.
He’s always been very upfront about who he was, and definitely about who he wasn’t. I saw both of those sides very clearly. And yet and still, I made the choice to love him. I didn’t ‘fall’ in love with him. I didn’t trip over something magical, bump my head, and come out of a fog with the image of this knight in shining armor. But what I did do, is see a good man, that did little things like bring me a gallon of OJ when I called him sick, or made sure that my ever mounting pile of laundry was washed, dried, and hung in the appropriate place in my closet.
And now, past those little daily things, I love him even more for being the father to my Kamren Grey. Because no matter how much the people around me may not like him, without him, there is no Kamren. And let’s just be honest for a minute, Kam is the spitting image of his daddy. So to see a picture of my boy and not see his dad is all but impossible anyways. And seeing his father is now one of the only ways left for me to see a living, breathing, version of my son. And as a mother in my position, you take every little moment that you can get.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve certainly had more frustrations with this man than I’d like to count. Or that I even can count. I definitely don’t have enough fingers or toes to cover it at this point. But those are my frustrations. And they truly only get voiced completely to one other person. And even she knows where to stop when giving her advice/opinion on the whole shebang. So when anyone else comments on him, friend or otherwise, it just creates a very negative energy for me with said person. Especially lately.
I don’t think it matters so much that we weren’t successful in a romantic relationship, because no matter what happens or doesn’t, we created a family together. It may not have been intentional, and it may not have been under ideal circumstances, but it was and will always be perfect for who we were and are as human beings. I can absolutely attribute him to a major increase in my own self-awareness, and becoming the love I want to see in another person. So really, if you know me or are close to me now, the Melissa post war, and you like or even love me, then really you have him to thank.
Don’t worry, I’ll wait.