& S

Did you know I always thought you were braver than me? Did you ever guess that that was why I was so afraid? It wasn’t that I only loved some of you. But I wondered if you could ever love more than some of me.

Father’s Day took me by surprise this year. Not because I wasn’t expecting it, anticipating it. But because I didn’t think it would bother me. I’m not a father. This wasn’t my day. My day was in May, and I actually think I felt worse on Father’s Day than I did on Mother’s day.

My heart literally hurt for my son’s father on Sunday. And I knew there was nothing I could do to make it an easy or good day for him. It didn’t much matter since he was noticeably absent again, but he was noticeably absent on Mother’s Day too, so if I said I was surprised I’d be lying. I wasn’t. But this isn’t about that. Or him. None of this is about him. It never has been.

But yesterday was the day that my little boy should have officially been 6 months old. It seems weird to think about that. That I should have a 6 month old. And I get stuck wondering what he would be doing. I never really got any real milestones with him unfortunately, so to think about everything he’d be able to do at this point leaves my mind spinning. I wonder what size clothes he’d be in, although I’m pretty sure he’d be close to 12 months since he came out filling out those 0-3 months pretty good. And just length wise he needed quite a bit of extra space.

It’s weird because I spent last week anticipating yesterday, but yesterday I honestly didn’t even remember until about 4:30. Blame it on an extremely long day at work that was prefaced by only 3 hours of sleep. I was oddly nostalgic yesterday though, mostly about my pregnancy and missing all of those special moments. Like the ones where his daddy would put his phone to my belly and play the most ridiculous songs for him to hear, only for me to tell him he’d never hear that in real life as long as I had my way. Ironically I was right and he never did, but that’s not a good thing.

I did get the most amazing signs all the way from NYC yesterday, from one of the sweetest, bravest mamas I know. It was definitely a gift from Xander and Kamren that was sent to her, to send to me. Maybe they knew I was just too out of it yesterday to notice it for myself. But they let us know that they’re good. Probably even great. And they even left a little message for X’s little rainbow bother S. That was certainly not a coincidence.

I am so glad to have other mamas to send me messages and signs like that. Especially since I don’t truly have anyone else walking this path with me anymore. He politely excused himself, which was his choice. It makes things harder sometimes. To face it alone. But I’m actually pretty good at being alone. I kind of always have been. Maybe I’m fiercely independent. Maybe I’m just an idiot. It’s still a coin toss at this point. But what I do know, is that I’ll never have to answer to Kamren and tell him why I walked away. Because I didn’t, and I won’t. Not ever. I will carry him with me every step of the way.


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