A Million Reasons

First off, if you still come here often despite my lack of consistency, then thank you.

Thank you for sticking with me, and for hopefully understanding my lack of delivery. I’ve had a million reasons to end this page and fade into the background, but you, you are my one reason for staying.

So, if you’ll still have me, I’m here.

I’m happy to say that these past 3 months have given me an opportunity to keep diving into my grief head first and without fear. That’s allowed me to truly understand the saying that, ‘grief is just love with no where to go.’

I have so much pent up love ripping the seams of my soul for Kamren, and sometimes that love finds it way out in the tears that form from the corners of my eyes. These tears however, aren’t a negative thing. They often come paired with a smile when I think about the grin my boy would give me after throwing up all over a freshly changed onesie. I’m at peace with that.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s still an incessant longing that happens with that peace. And peace doesn’t take away the tears that do still make an appearance from the pain, but in those moments still, I focus on the truth that I’d live through the pain at it’s peak every single day to have known the soul that Kamren is, was, and will always be.

Year two’s grief and trauma was filled with so many moments that caught me off guard and brought me back to my knees. More so than I ever expected, even though I’d been forewarned that year 2 was actually going to be harder than year 1. Warning or not, I wasn’t really prepared for that.

I think for me, year two was filled with so much processing and understanding. And growing to truly understand who I was then, who I am now, and who I hope to be on the journey to becoming. Oddly enough, as hard as year 2 was and how many times I tried to wish it all away, year two has been the best therapy I could have ever gone through.

It just brought me to a brand new level of self-awareness, and self-acceptance. And that has given me more peace than I ever imagined possible.

I’m in a space where I no longer feel this guilt for not wanting certain people to be a part of my life. And it’s nothing against said people, it’s just that I’ve gotten to this place where I no longer feel the need to hold on to them because of Kam. That’s been so healing for me. To understand and accept the notion that just because there was once some level of love there, doesn’t mean that that’s the love I have to settle for or accept into my life. Specifically when I know, and I’ve probably always known, that it would have never been enough to satisfy the level of love that I crave. And that I deserve. I think this is one of my life’s  ‘aha’ moments.

Moving into year 3, that’s what I intend to focus on. Not finding love, or someone to love me. I have so many phenomenal people who already do. But fully opening up even the smallest, most closed off spaces of my heart, and becoming love.

They say you’re only gonna get what you give away, so give love. And throw that shit around like confetti!

(Side note: I’m the woman who says please & thank you like a saint, and curses like a sailor. It’s just who I am, and I’ve embraced that. Unabashadly.

 

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