There’s another blog that I follow & am absolutely obsessed with, Scribbles & Crumbs.
It’s obviously another loss mama. And her words just always resonate so much with me, and for me.
She posted a picture of her little boy tonight, with a caption that followed, “I have a son named Charlie….”
Even if I didn’t know Charlie’s story, and know how that caption would end, just reading that out loud caused an entire shift in me. And I immediately followed that by saying to myself, I have a son named Kamren. Then turning to Lola and saying, “you have a brother named Kamren.”
They always do.
It’s amazing how six little words can do that. How they can mean so much, and hurt all at the same time.
Knowing that this is a statement that I’ve said at least a thousand times, and will have to continue to say a million more over the course of this lifetime seems daunting. It is daunting. Life in general, without him, is daunting.
Tonight has been especially so.
And not for any particular reason, other than it is.
It always catches me a little off guard when a night like this comes around though. Even though it shouldn’t I guess. It’s bound to happen, no matter how smooth the sailing seems to be going. These waves always find a way to come crashing in. Over the guard rails, and under the decks. Like a caged bird between the buildings and fences.
It comes, and I’m here to answer to it. For it.
I always will. I don’t think that I have much of a choice in the matter honestly. I don’t know that I’d say no if I did.
Answering this call is the price of my love for him. So I’ll pick up that receiver like I’m expecting a call from Donald Trump telling me he’s decided to move to Mexico and leave his money to me.
I know reading this, you won’t understand. Honestly, I hope you never do.
“And can it be that in a world so full and busy, the loss of one small creature makes a void so wide and deep that nothing but the width and depth of eternity can fill it?” – Charles Dickens
Yes, yes it can be.
And yes, yes it is.