I finally got around to finishing my taxes today. I know, I know. Procrastinate much?

Really though, I wasn’t able to finish them because I’ve been waiting to receive Kam’s SSN card in the mail. Which has yet to come BTW, even though it was issued in January. Florida, I swear. Either way, after 3 attempts between me and Kam’s dad, I was finally able to get his SSN from the (not so) local office.

I felt odd walking out after having the lady write down his 9 digit SSN on a little yellow Post-It note. They wouldn’t actually give me a card since he’s deceased. Lovely, right. Like he wasn’t worth their shitty little card. But that’s neither here nor there. Just politics. But leaving with that Post-It tucked safely into my wallet left me feeling heavy. And confused. How was I leaving with my son’s SSN, but I didn’t have him tucked away in my backseat, safely strapped in his comfy grey carrier. Part of me felt worse after having it. Just another one of those little slaps in the face I suppose. You’d think it would get easier, or that I’d know to expect it, but nope. Not the case. Not even a little.

And these sudden grief attacks just come on out of no where. There really is no way to prepare for it. You can be going about your day, living in your new ‘normal,’ feeling okay, and then boom. You’re hit like a freakin’ Mack truck. And before you know it, you’re trying to piece your very life back together in an instant. You talk yourself out of that damn rabbit hole, again, and remind yourself that it is okay to keep living. It’s okay to want to be okay. Or at least pretend to be. Fake it till you make it, ya know. That oddly does help. Faking it. Strange huh? The things we do to keep ourselves moving.

But anyhow, back to my lovely taxes. They were pretty quick and easy thanks to TurboTax. I really didn’t get anything back, which I feel is a mockery since I was finally able to claim a child. But apparently you really only get good money back for them if you get that earned income credit, which I didn’t. I don’t qualify. I suppose that’s actually a good thing overall. But getting a few thousand extra for it would have been nice.

I didn’t have to pay though, so that’s good. It’s literally only because I was able to ‘write’ Kamren off. I hate that term now. Writing him off. Or claiming him as a deduction. What the hell does that even mean? He didn’t deduct anything from my life. It was exactly the opposite. He contributed to it so much. I literally owe him my life in this very moment.

I think in that way I’m lucky. To know how much he has impacted my life in a purely positive way. How many people can really say that? Even parents, who claim their kids changed them. Did they really though? Because 8 out of 10 times, you’re still the same exact person. Now you just have a little miniature version of yourself running behind you.

But losing Kamren has actually changed me, in a positive way. I’m not inspired by his death, mind you. Not at all. I resent that moment to my very core. But I am inspired by his life. And everything he was able to accomplish in the 284 days  that he was alive (38 weeks, 2 days in my womb. 16 days on this earth.)

He reminds me of the bigger picture. It’s amazing how much differently you begin to look at life, and how everyone is really interconnected. He teaches me to be a better human; a more gentle individual. He inspires my soul to love. And love fiercely.

How many of us parents can say that our children did that for us? That they made us better, and not bitter?

I can. And I do it proudly. My big little man is such an amazing soul. I got to know that like no one else ever will. And I still get to experience it and his love everyday. I know his soul will never give up on me. Just like I’ll never write him off. Ever.