It’s the wanting you, never getting you
Keeps me wanting you, missing you
Just to picture you is what gets me through
Fit for you, I was meant for you
What I was sent to do, meant to do
Wasn’t meant for you
Hope I said that shit right
Cos’ if I never had you
Then I could never lose you
Do you know what might happen,
If I decide to choose you
Then the world may just stop spinning
It may just well be the ending
Talking all about existence
But I cannot see tomorrow
If you’re not in my tomorrow
I was able to really vent the other night, for the first time in a long time. To someone completely impartial. He didn’t give me any suggestions, or tell me what my inner circle will. He just listened. Like really listened. And for the first time in a really long time I felt like I was really heard. Like he really, really heard me. He heard my hurt. He saw the pain written across my face when I looked up in time to see my son’s father being completely un-bothered, ironically, as he laughed with a few other guys in the gym, two of which have been pretty consistent in my text messages and effort to see me since finding out about my single status.
He didn’t try to give me any advice, and even made the comment that he just hasn’t known what to say to me since I lost my son. I appreciated that. The fact that he didn’t try to pretend like he knew, or compare it to a loss of his. And he let me just feel my own sadness, up until the point where I think I said, “my life just kind of sucks right now.” This is the point where he actually corrected me. And I appreciated that. Because he was right, and I was faced with the truth that my life doesn’t suck. Losing my son sucks. And having his father decide to leave sucks too. But outside of that, my life is still actually good.
Work is steadily improving and I’m being given more & more opportunities, just in time for my department reorganization that will lead to multiple promotion options. That’s been such a blessing, and I’m actually happy to be waking up and going to work again. I’m going to Australia next week for a much needed getaway, just to clear my mind and find some peace. I’ve always wanted to go there. Since the 3rd grade when I had to be Australia for our class World Day. Ironically I would have never gotten this opportunity if it hadn’t been for my son. Another blessing that he’s given to remind me of his everlasting presence in my life. Even financially, things are really starting to come together more than they ever have. I just got a raise today at work, I’ve been steadily paying off all of my debt, and my savings is consistently growing without my need to take money back out. So just in general, life in a holistic sense is getting better.
It’s so weird to say that, and to know it’s true. Tomorrow will make 6 months since my son’s been gone, and I would have never imagined that 6 months down the road I’d be feeling okay. No great, but better. And better is truly an accomplishment, especially from where I’ve been.
And not that it makes too much of a difference but I’ve also been hanging out with someone new, who just makes me laugh. And it’s those good laughs, that come from the gut and escape your lips even when you’re not meaning for it to happen. I will say that it’s nice to really feel appreciated again, even if it’s just little things. And knowing that someone really cares if I made it home safely or am having a good day. And makes it clear that they want to see me and spend time with me. Someone who matches the most ridiculous memes sent and distracts me from the mundane activities of my every day life.
I guess what I’m getting at, is it’s nice to be around someone who isn’t so ‘unbothered’ about everything. These are the people that I want to spend my time around. This is the energy that I want to soak in and reflect back out into the world. This is where my rebuilding begins.