I’ve always been a big fan of the saying, ‘pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.’

It’s true, you know. Everyone is going to experience some form of pain throughout their life. Whether it be physical, mental, emotional, etc. Sometimes it’s all the above. I like to think my current journey is encompassing all of the above. And not because I want to make my journey bigger than it is. But because that’s what it IS.

 It’s amazing how real the physical pain has manifested. I’ve you’ve ever lost a baby or an infant, I’m sure you’ll know what I mean when I refer to the term aching arms. And it is oh so real. More real than I’d like it to be. I have however, thanks to my oldest sister, discovered an incredible organization called Molly Bears.

Molly Bears was founded by a mother who lost her infant daughter Molly, and experienced the aching arms syndrome. She creates teddy bears, that the parents of an angel baby can customize, weighted to their child’s exact weight. Some bears are so incredibly tiny, due to losing during the course of the pregnancy. And others, like my Kammy Bear that I’m anxiously awaiting, are quite heavy. I can’t wait for this 10.10 lb bear to arrive in my mail. Even though it’s obviously not my son that I will be holding, it will be nice to hold something close that was his exact birth weight. Even as I type this, and think about it, my arms physically ache to hold both him and my bear. I have a link to their website on my home page, so if you know anyone who’s going through this loss, it might be a good page for them to checkout. The bears only cost $20, and I really can’t think of a better $20 spent.

But back to the suffering, my suffering.

I started hypnotherapy yesterday, after my acupuncture session. Yeah, I know. I’m literally doing like 12 million forms of therapy. But guess what? I need it. I more than need it. If I wasn’t doing everything I possibly could, and every form of therapy out there, I’m quite certain I’d still be stuck in that damn rabbit hole. And guess what, I don’t want to be there. I’m not Alice, and this is certainly anything but Wonderland. And guess what else? I’m not ashamed or embarrassed, or anything else. Not even a little. Yep, I take antidepressants like my life depends on it. Because right now, it does. It depends of every form of personal and group therapy I’ve engulfed myself in. Because this is MY suffering.

But the woman who was working with me, on a myriad of issues, was absolutely fantastic. She lost her 20 year old son back in 2012 so she gets it, which is helpful. I hate that I can’t remember her name, but I’ll make sure to get it today, and commit to remembering it. Plus, I think she’ll probably be pretty significant in my life moving forward. But what she told me yesterday, regarding this suffering, really resonated with me.

Suffering is Resisting What Is. And what you resist, persists.

I felt like that statement just slapped me in the face, but in a good way. It just brings everything to the surface. Everything that no one else has had the courage to say to me. Because what is, is my son’s death. And that’s irreversible, no matter how much I want to will him back to this life. He is forever gone, from this life in the physical sense. And I know this. I just haven’t wanted to accept this. And I still haven’t. But I guess now, almost three months into it, I’m trying to move in that general direction.

I don’t want to continue to feed this monster that suffering is. And yes, for me, grief has become a monster. I will always be affected by the loss of Kamren, always. But I don’t want to spend the rest of my life suffering. I don’t think he would want me to either.

So today is day one. Day one of choosing to no longer suffer. And today, if you ask me how I am, I will simply say, I am, because that’s my truth. That’s where I’m at on my journey. And in my grief. And I don’t need to be anywhere other than exactly where I am.