Kamren Grey & his stupid white box

Kamren Grey Smith came crashing into this life December 22, 2014. I guess I should rephrase that since he actually came into this life rather quietly. A little too quietly. After being pulled out of me via c-section, he didn’t make a sound for three minutes. Three minutes that felt like three days. All I knew was my baby was out, but my baby was not crying. I was crying. This wasn’t how it was supposed to sound. Then after what I thought would be the longest three minutes of my life, I heard the most beautiful sound in the whole entire world. I heard my son’s cry. And it was the most amazing cry in life.

When they finally held him up for me to see, after he spent a good minute peeing on everything in sight, the first thing I saw was this head full of beautiful jet black hair. I’d like to point out how important this was to me in that moment, because during my entire pregnancy I was certain I was going to be giving birth to a very bald baby. And compounding on that, he was a very big, albeit expected, baby. So my fear of bringing life to a giant potato vanished. He was perfect in every way. 10.10 lbs and 22.9 inches long. I couldn’t believe that I was carrying every ounce of this magnificent little boy within me. I grew that. I grey him. And he was mine. Mine and his Dad’s.

Fast forward 16 days later, and we’re back in the hospital.Except this time, there’s no sound coming from out beautiful little boy. You see, his Daddy found him not breathing in his bassinet, less than 10 minutes after putting him down for his nap. After CPR attempts by us, the paramedics, and resuscitation in the hospital, our little boy left this life physically. He went back home to the place where one day we all hope to end up. It’s now the place I crave to be, if only even for a moment in my dreams. Because my perfect lil Kammy bear now lives in a stupid white box, buried in a baby garden underneath the warm Florida sun.

So now here I am. A childless mother. My entire life, world, and existence turned upside down. I guess you could say I’m trying to find a way to survive. To rebuild myself. To move forward with the loss of my absolutely perfect son, since there’s no way that you just “move on.” This has now become about finding where I fit into my own life. This physical life that I still have, even on days when I want nothing to do with it. This is now my journey back to life.

kammy

9 thoughts on “Kamren Grey & his stupid white box”

  3. Brooke H

    He is so precious. I hope your road leads you back to a new normal that finds joy in unexpected places and is always surrounded by your little guy.

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  4. lisa barrett

    God bless you! Kam will always be in your heart. You will learn to go on but you will never move on from this precious boy because he will always be a part of you.

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  5. "Aunty Rho"

    Yet another bittersweet symphony that are your words to and about your son. You always have such magical words while I never know what to say. Since that day all I’ve wanted was to say the “right” thing to take the hurt away…but I know that doesn’t exist. I’ll just continue to stand beside you and tell you “To the strongest, bravest woman I know, I love you!” ❤️

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  6. Aunt Terri

    I don’t know what to say other than I’m sorry and i’m here for u to support u and for whatever else u may need. Kammy is the most beautiful little boy I’ve ever seen and he looks just like u so I cant imagine what daddy lookslike. I cant wait to see Kammy’s brother or sister. I want to fly to Flordia for that if I can. Honey u r one of the smartest people I know. There Is no doubt in my mind u will be the best momma ever and I cant wait to watch it all unfold. I pray for u, Kammy and Kammy’s daddy (I I don’t know his name) every day. U guys r gonna have a great family. Let me know if u if u want me to make those neclaces with Kammy’s Hair. I Iove u sweeheartwith all my heart. Good Things will happen, you’ve already been through hell. love u baby!!!!!

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  7. vanweym

    Thank you all so much for your outpouring of love and support! It means the world to know we are surrounded by such great people, and that our son is still so loved. ❤

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  8. amotherwithoutachild

    I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your little boy, i too lost my little boy in December. I wish I knew the date that I would be joining my little boy in heaven, so i could cross them off the calendar, it is all i’m looking forward to. x

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